Ma

What new things I have learnt in 2020? Well, I have learnt that whatever we assume to know loses its meaning altogether in the face of the death of a near and dear one. My mother left her body on 27th of January. And all my deeply felt spiritual experiences, feelings, realizations, knowledge and information seem to have lost their meanings. All and everything seems to possess a theoretical, bookish relevance and stale meaning.

On top of everything you get into the clutches of ‘meaninglessness’. Meaninglessness may hold the key to the secret. I understand and feel what it may mean by being shaken by the feeling of not belonging or losing life’s meaning suddenly. It's not a sin to try to create meaning and inculcate a sense of belonging as human beings. These are important tools for the spirits in their bodily form to evolve to the next level. But again even with this realization, I feel lost in the face of tragedy and my own words appear absolutely hypothetical. If someone is in a position to nurture and tolerate the feeling of not belonging and tolerate meaninglessness, it shows her highly evolved spiritual self.

I am gutted. Death is inevitable. But the way it happened has hit me really hard. I was on my spiritual quest. My mother is a holy soul and in this body she has earned heartfelt appreciation for her conduct by almost everyone who knows her. An active woman. Always doing something or the other with a pure heart. Presently hadn't any serious issues. At 2:45 at night her suffering call tore through my sleeping self. I ran. And within minutes she breathed her last in my arms. My yells. My desperate attempts to resuscitate and breathe life into her mouth. My futile attempts to carry her to the hospital in the wee hours, all this hit me so hard in the guts that my system seems to have collapsed. I was almost in a semi meditation state with my efforts. This happening seems like I have been hit hard on my head while in sleep.

I have to fulfill my duties and offer my deepest prayers for the smooth, painless flow of my mother's journey beyond this body form. All said, I have sad tears of gratitude for her for having led an active and happy life both in mind and body. Let this beautiful journey lead to a better destination for her consciousness in the journey ahead.

The hammer strike was terrible in the wee hours of that cold night. It shattered my little world. Pieces scattered around, I went numb. Lifelong we try to make. It just needs one unexpected strike to break. In a Cosmos where cosmic explosions create holes that can accommodate 13 Milky way sized galaxies, do I even stand justified in putting questions like "Why" and "How"? I couldn't move. Almost dead to the flux of events around. The biggest goal thinkable was to Crawl. So started crawling with my soul suffering the aftermaths of the strike and body almost giving up in its wake. After crawling, standing up was the goal. So I stood up slowly as acceptance crept in. My unsteady steps changed to a steadier walk as I felt gratitude and love towards what I had lost in that terrible strike, my most valuable one, my mother. My tears of pain and suffering turned into holy waters of acknowledgement, love and gratitude for being born from her womb. My sewn lips parted with a faintest smile for her well-meant pure life. My cries changed into a prayer for her journey ahead in the next dimension. I walk now, aiming to jog sometimes, and may be run further on, with her love in my heart and her blood in my veins. Travel safe Ma!