The Point Where Duty Turns into Hate

The master was telling a story. His peaceful face and deep eyes bound the audience--traders, peasants, masons, carpenters, ironsmiths and many more--into one social unit irrespective of their different roles in the society. Many seemed freely lost so far during the sermon, but now drew their mind to listen attentively.

In Japan someone killed a Samurai’s master. Now, it was the tradition to avenge one’s master’s death by killing the murderer. The Samurai went after the culprit, duty-bound as he was, and won’t leave any stone unturned in fulfilling it. Bringing this person to death was a matter of honour to him and nothing was more precious to a Samurai than his honour.

The sinner was a very wily man and gave him a tough time. It was not before many years of relentless pursuit that the Samurai laid his hands upon the criminal in a deep forest.

The Samurai raised his sword to kill the person and salvage his honour by fulfilling his duty. But just before the strike, the man spat on the Samurai’s face. Possibly he expected a quicker death in one stroke. He had tried to further aggravate the anger in the Samurai. The unexpected happened. The Samurai held his sword back and asked the man to take his sinned face off his eyes.

The murderer was surprised. Much relieved to be still alive, he but couldn’t check his curiosity. “Why did you spare my life?” he asked.

The Samurai was visibly trying to overcome his anger.

“For so many years, I was following you to kill. But there was no anger in that pursuit. There was no hate involved. I was just following the tradition and duty of avenging my master’s death without bringing my ego in between. But when you spat on my face, you changed all that. You got me angry. You brought my ego into the play. Now if I kill you, it will appear like I killed you because of being angry after being spat upon. It won’t be an objective, egoless pursuit of my duty. I cannot kill you as an angry person. Please go away for the time being. If I can detach this personal anger from the cause of my duty, your death, I will go after you again.”

Sometimes, a doing, carrying the same effect as an act committed under a spell of anger and hate, can be beyond the germs of ego, hate and rage. It then becomes a duty. The challenge lies in finding where duty stops to turn into revenge or hateful reaction. Check your ego. Tame it within the limits of duty. This world will become a far better place and life more enjoyable. 

The Rapist

 There are softly moaning sounds in the dark, dingy room. The screen light of a smartphone is the hallowed sun in the dark. But instead of light, it seems in connivance with the dark. Sunny Leone is doing what almost every Indian man dreams about.

The porn clip is sucking the damp air into the funnel of lust and greed. His hands are moving faster and faster. He is visualising himself as an active player in the game. His very soul is on the boil. He finds himself hungrier, more aggressive and better endowed than the male in the porn movie.

He wants her. Or for that matter anyone looking as beautiful as her. He tries to hold but soon surrenders to the climax. Even the feeble light from the screen shifts its shade. He lets it out on the screen, trying to reach her body. It’s a strange demented pleasure. 

Long before we see the flower, the process starts at the roots. Fruits as well as thorns are the result of a long process which begins with the seeds. The deeds or misdeeds are not sudden sprouts; they also carry their seeds, their incubation period, their structural building and growth before the final appearance.

The idea of woman and sex has mutated so strangely over the years in his mind that he wonders how can anyone just love a woman, especially when there are better uses like lust and sadistic violence. He has been masturbating for a decade now. He started the experiment while in the fifth grade. Now at the age of 20 he has come a long way. His father once caught him and gave him a severe thrashing. He had committed a crime, he realised. He hated his father, so did it with more rampancy, even willing to be caught again to show him that he didn’t care.

Sex is the nemesis of Indian society and carries such a taboo, the quintessential gandi baat. It exists everywhere, basically in the minds. The more they try to deny it, the bottled genie keeps on growing. He liked this defiance of his. He loved the sensation of doing it right under their noses.

While playing with girls he pinched them. They cried, not understanding, taking it just a hurtful prank among the children. He but felt a strange excitement. He hated this sweet-faced little girl. She was so friendly with a well-behaved boy. But after the last pinch she started to avoid him. He was thus looking out to pinch her once more. He tried. The well-behaved boy saw it and intervened. There was a fight. The good one proved stronger than his appearance and threw him down. He carried a big bluish dark bump on his forehead. The children laughed at him. He seethed with anger.

The studies didn’t mean anything at all. He belonged to a lower middle class family. His parents were entangled in the struggle for bread and butter. The school was co-ed till fifth when he had just started masturbating, visualising the girl who had got him a bump. The trigger had been the elder boys’ experiment. The group of elder brats had rented a CD player one night and played it in the scandalously moaning secrecy of a room. As they moaned with masturbation, he, peeping from a window, carried out his initiation. After that there was no looking back.

After the fifth standard, it was the boys’ only class. With months and then years, invisible walls crept in between him and the opposite sex. Driven by the way elders spoke, or the manner everybody pretended, the way his father thrashed him that day, sex, women and girl started to acquire the exciting shapes of huge taboos. And inevitably it became the favourite haunt of his mind.  

It was eating his mind, taking big chunks of fantasies with each passing day. The society appeared to ordain that sex was to be avoided at all cost. It appeared the worst thing a person could even think about. If somebody was explicitly or implicitly found to have something to do with sex, the society would condemn him as a person without any character. It was the hallmark of a good person to have nothing to do with sex. It was such an evil act, to be shunned and avoided at all costs. He even wondered how people gave birth if it was so bad. And continuously thought about whether a married couple had sex or not. Why would they, if it was so bad? The idea kept on bouncing from all corners of his mind. He suppressed it outside but inside it was an ever-haunting mirage.    

One more crime against women in India. It happens so many times that it doesn’t sound like news anymore. Harassment, molestation, eve-teasing, domestic violence, rape and murder, the evil deeds which have become part and parcel of the modern-day life. These don’t occur just randomly, rather take long and winding roots over an individual’s soul.

These are but the news items he runs after. He scans the newspapers for rape and murder cases. He hears people around expressing disgust, but somehow he doesn’t agree to the vehemence of their anger. He keeps silent. It gives him a strange excitement to visualise the incident given in the news item. Invariably he ends up getting excited. 

They have their poisonous seeds. Their building processes. Long before they sprout with thorny branches, the soil is generated and the seed is sown. It is a common social soil, a cumulative shit that piles over generations. It takes a long time, this process of soil formation. Tradition and patriarchy rake it up over the ages.

He remembers how his father mistreated his mother. In fact, he grew up wondering whether they had sex at all. Sex then appeared as the instrument of his father’s dominance over his mother, an apparatus of exploitation. Of course, man is superior to woman at any moment. It’s the most verified fact to him. He has grown up feeling so proud to be a man, the taker from the woman, the giver.     

He has thought so much about sex that now it has acquired a monstrous shape in the secret corridors of his mind. You weed out something, it grows multiple times in the secret recesses. He has been involved in orgies with paid women. But he returns hungrier than before. The act itself no longer counts as sex. It’s cut down to some filthy bargain, some moments in the grimy room, cold staring looks, corpse like impassive body, some soiled notes changing hands and the lower garment going up with as much ease as it had come down. To the sexual monster in his mind, it falls grossly short of expectations. It feels like buying a pack of cigarette.

The sight of normal girls puts his soul on boil. He considers himself to be sewage dirty and them as clean and respectable beyond measure. They appear like getting repelled from him like they would from dog shit on the pavement. He cannot even so much as muster up courage to speak even a single word to a girl. The chasm between them and him is increasing. He resents when he sees a good girl going around with a so called good boy. He feels cheated. He has no role to play in this socially clean set up.

His frustration is building up, putting huge pressure on the check-dam. It is about to burst any time with criminal consequences. The girl has overshadowed the stormy sea in his mind. She laughs and enjoys so much in the company of this boy. They go on bike rides, movies and restaurants. He is following them. Each spell of laughter and the moments of holding hand put a knife of agony through his heart.

He has convinced himself that they are having sex also. And still they are clean and he so mucky, just because he visits prostitutes and no good girl would even look in his direction. The more she smiles in her boyfriend’s company, the more he seethes with rage. Society appears hypocritical. They pander it through such relationships and shun it in the case of people like him. He is revengeful. The other day, he sees them coming out of a cheap hotel, having been inside for a couple of hours and during which time he wandered outside like a lunatic.

She is plum red, shaken and diffident as they emerge from the hotel. The boy seems scared and insecure now in the broad hubbub of life after sneaking into the cavernous vaults away from the civilised society to steal a few golden moments. As she moves, her eyes hooked onto the ground, walking carefully to somehow be away from the scene of the taboo, his blood is boiling in anger. He spits in disgust and condemns her as a slut. A cauldron of fervent emotions shakes him up. He is beyond himself and follows her. The boy has taken a different direction, their conscience dictating them to part ways after the union. It is weighing heavily on their sense of right and wrong. They literally take themselves to be the condemned culprits.

He is following her and is completely beyond himself. He is bursting with erection and anger. How can she just walk away after wallowing in the gutter and again merge into the cleanest corridors of the society. He just cannot come to terms with this. It appears like there is someone else inside him as he hears himself shouting randi after her.     

He is blood red with excitement and beyond himself while splashing the derogatory word. He is walking behind her while narrating his interpretation of what had happened. She quickens her pace but it’s not possible to outpace him. She is horrified. He is spilling over the scandal in broad daylight. It appears like she will lose all her standing in the society. Like one clutches at a straw to save life, she plucks at anything to save her ijjat. She just finds herself turning back and slapping him. He is stunned. There is a crowd. A painless ennui. He is just vaguely aware of the kicks, slaps and blood in his mouth.

Now he isn’t scared of any consequences, the worst the better. He is the wronged person, and redemption his right. The society, generally, and she, particularly, have to pay for it. All that pent up hunger of many years is lolloping its fiery tongue to chuck out the moth of her honour. His face gets flushed with excitement, lust, revenge and some gory illegality.

His tiny house is located in some poor locality of Bombay. Just across the street, the scene shifts to a lower middle class neighbourhood. Her better house is just across the street from his. Now he can very well relate to those snubs she gave him even as little ones, in that forgiving and unknowing childhood zone where the kids crossed class and social boundaries to play together. He vividly recalls that fall of shame when her boyfriend, then just her playmate, had held him with a hesitating grip around the neck, first scared himself, but then finding that it was having some effect, pushed on with it, himself not sure where it will land him. Recalling those moments he spits with disgust.

She appears to be carrying on with life almost normally. It pricks him even more. There is a corner on their roof where he can stand, unseen by the neighbours on his side and most of the houses on the other side. If he stands there, and with luck nobody being there on the roof of the two or three neighbouring houses on her side, he can grab some moments to vent out his fury from a distance if she happens to be there at the opportune time. He is lingering on the roof, and makes lewd gestures when she happens to be on the roof across the street. Even this seems to leave no effect on her at all. And this offends him further. She appears like she doesn’t even know that he exists.

He has turned purple. Seething with excitement, his soul has turned sadistic. She is laying clothing on the wash-line. There is no one else on the roofs across the street. His hands are shaking as he unzips himself. He makes a grunt as if to clear his throat to draw her attention. She seems unbothered about him. When she turns her head towards him to work on a tangled shirt, he starts masturbating. He is sure that she is looking at his flashing from the corner of her eyes. Disappointingly there isn’t the slightest change in her mannerism. She stays normal. But he is sure that she has seen him doing that. He is feeling proud of his swollen endowment, hoping out of hope that she will now prefer him over that silly chickna.

The storm is over. She is gone. He stands spent. Now he is scared of the consequences. What if she tells her parents about it? For the next few days, fear nibs at his lecherous being with a dull intensity. And then the apprehensions clear out. Nothing has changed. He is happier and bolder.

Through common acquaintances, he has a brief idea about what is happening at her end. They are planning to go to Goa, he comes to know. He puts in extra investigation, fuelled by hurtling desire and smashing hate, to find out when and how of the trip. She has told her family that it’s a college trip for three days. He shakes his head and chuckles with ill mischief within himself, rubbing his hands in excitement. Now he has taken her for granted, being sure that he can go to any extent and there won’t be any reprisals.

It’s four days to go for the trip. He is busy in planning a complete makeover so that even his parents won’t recognise him.

Early in the morning of the day of the trip, he sneaks out to his friend’s house and there the entire turnover in his appearance is brought into effect. He gets his head shaven, puts on false beard and dons sunglasses. He goes beyond this make up to wear clothes he had never worn in life, hippy type, and changes his mannerism completely.

As a new day’s hustle and bustle starts he is ready there, lurking around the counter for the buses to Goa, keeping a sharp eye over everybody entering the bus stand. And there they are, coming with excited springs in their walk. He boards the same bus as they do, they in the front part, and he as a skilled follower at the back.

Now he follows them as a bug in the tail of their young, flagellant love. He takes a room in a cheap run down hotel across the street from theirs and peeks at the exit from his balcony smoking cigarettes. They don’t come out for the rest of the day. Hungry dog and the bitch is in heat, he mutters.

The next day is more fruitful. He is following their autorickshaw on a bike he has taken on rent. He maintains a safe distance. The further they move from the bustle of the city, the more he gloats over the prospects, like he is waiting with a snare for the fish and the poor thing is on the way.

The sea opens up with greyish blue murkiness, a shadowy, heaving horizon very much in tally with the machinations of his strayed self. They are walking along the shore to reach the farthest end where the coastline is mobbed by greenery. He is walking at a distance through the palms inland. He moves expertly like a hunter with slithery prowl, his heart berserk with criminal anticipation. He feels bold enough to any extent. They are too far from home. Nothing happened even when he flashed right there in front of her house.

They have come a bit too far from the last human seen around. The sea splashes in desolation. Against the background of infinite spread of the sea, his eyes peer like a wolf at the couple walking in majestic oblivion, holding hands, moving to that corner where they will be just they with their budding love. Sea gulls screech. Waves crash against the coast. There are only two things that matter: he with his hate, and they with their love.

They are kissing very gently. He is very caring and considerate and lifts her in his hands. She is giving him peck after peck on his cheek. They titter and laugh in full freedom. Only the sea is the witness, they think. No they are wrong, there is someone else too.

He is shaking with bursting excitement. He never felt this much jealous in life. The all free-flowing love of a girl; doled out herself with full heart. It seems unbelievable. The girl holding out her own heart, her whole being, voluntarily, happily to the boy. No need to take it by force. No need to pay for it. How could he be so unlucky and her boyfriend so lucky? He is gasping for breath to keep pace with his racing heart. 

He is taking her into the safety of coconut trees. There is healthy undergrowth on the ground. Isolation undertoned by the sea waves welcomes the lovers. Her lover stops in a clearing. Gripped by passion, they surrender to the basic instinct and entwine their young bodies. They are rolling with ecstasy. He looks on from behind a tree. He cannot make out whether he is shaking with hate, jealousy or lust. Possibly all three have rattled his being.

Such an open-armed acceptance of the male passion by the female! He stands as a deprived soul. She appears utterly promiscuous and shameless to him, totally unlike how a girl is supposed to be in the society they belong to. He condemns her as a fallen woman. He spits in disgust. She is putting her reputation to pieces.

The foreplay is going into the seething depths of passion. His soul is burning. Just before they start making love he strikes. He hits at the back of his foe’s head. The guy rolls over in agony. The girl shrieks. Her voice is eaten by the sea waves. They are too far from the nearest human ear to catch the distress signal. He jumps over the injured boy and smothers him down. It has been a painful strike and the boy’s head is spinning. Now he is venting out the full fury of his fists on his face. There is blood. The boy whimpers with pain and is unable to stand up. He is almost unconscious.

In the scuffle, the aides to his impostorship come off. She recognises him. They are face to face. She is holding her clothes against her breasts and the middle part. He carries the ugliest of a smile on his lips. She tries to run but he easily overtakes her and grasps her like a wolf tames down a rabbit. She tries to fight back, digs her nails into his skin, shouts obscenities but soon realises the futility of it. She is crying now and has fallen at his feet, pleading for mercy.

“Get up, be as much shameless with me as you were with him,” his voice is frozen in coldness.

She is folding her hands and crying. He slaps her and she falls. He repeats his order. Can you kiss a thorn with as much love and smile as you do a flower? She is shivering terribly but still tries to kiss him on the cheek. Her courage gives in. A violent sob misbalances her. Again she falls at his feet. He kicks her and she groans with pain. Again she tries, this time on the lips. It fails and ends up like she has spitted on his face. The poor girl just cannot manage it. He is furious and whacks her down. He then gets all over her.

He is walking back carrying the scratches of her resistance on his skin. A strange ennui has taken him in a mysterious grip. He doesn’t know what to plan further to escape. He understands the futility of it. He knows he cannot escape the law forever. Still by instinct he is planning some escape route.

Another rapist is born. He walks like any other criminal. Still another rape victim lies there to get justice, carrying the stigma of ravaged modesty, waiting for justice to take course which would ultimately put her on further path of shame.

Only the rapist doesn’t carry the burden of culpability on his sick head. The social system that breeds such thorny seeds shares the cumulative crime. A poisonous seed doesn’t land from another planet. It has its supportive forces. It has its environment. 

The rules of conduct and tradition certify your sociality and civility if you pander the taboo from a safe distance. Avoid women. Stay away. Only pour out your frustration through passable, ignorable acts of minor mistreatments. These are passable offenses.

Away from the skin-deep dilution of the taboos, the beast lies in the mind, tied with the ropes of patriarchal conventions. The ropes are strong, it takes some time to break and claim criminal freedom. Before that there is a long drawn out phase of passing remarks, molestation, eve-teasing, staring, and criminal visualisation in the mind. The beast is struggling against the ropes. The ropes aren’t getting stronger. The beast is claiming power at a furious pace. The beast of skewed ideas in deprived brains has unlimited potential to grow strong and break the ropes. It is no longer satisfied with passing lewd remarks and brushing against the taboo in crowded buses. It wants more. It’s an untamed criminal now. It has got a helpless body to carry out its evil design.

A rape happens. And, of course, murder in the wake many times.

It’s not that a rapist’s scale of depravity can be gauzed by the act of rape only. A person capable of raping can be worse in any other possible manner for a demented mind. He can also harm humanity in any way imaginable or unimaginable.

Rape is a symbol of the evil itself. The grip of the evil is genderless. It can grip a male with the equal felicity it can do a female. Females can also be equally mean. Badness after all is no domain of man only. It doesn’t discriminate in infesting a male or a female brain.

Pegs and Ropes of the Mind

 The night was falling. A camel caravan was passing through a desert. The caravan-head decided to spend the night at a serai. There were hundred camels and the store wagon had pegs and ropes for each one of them to keep them safely tied though the night. Ninety-nine camels had been safely tethered in front of the inn. But they had lost one pair of rope and peg.

The caravan-head was much worried. If the remaining camel was left untied, it will surely run away and claim its freedom. He asked the inn-keeper for a rope and a peg. The old man had none. But he had a solution in his experienced mind. He asked the traveller to playact the whole process of setting the peg and tying the rope in the dark to the camel. The middle aged weather-beaten, tough traveller laughed at the joke. Still he decided to take it as a comedy even at the cost of losing a camel.

They made a false show of the process, made sounds of hammering a peg into the ground, then one of them fiddled around the camel’s neck, making it feel that it is being tied with a rope. They went to sleep and the night passed the baton to a pleasant dawn.

Much to everyone’s relief, and surprise, the camel was found sitting comfortably next morning. It was almost a miracle. The camel had allowed himself to be tied to a non-existing peg with the invisible rope.

The caravan prepared to leave. They untied the ninety-nine camels. These camels got up to move onto the journey. Thinking that the hundredth camel will also get up of its own to join the rest, since it was already free, they didn’t approach it. The camels moved. The hundredth camel didn’t. They kicked it to get up, but it won’t move. Much worried, the caravan leader went to the old man and told him about the camel.

“What have you done to it? I know you performed a magic but please now set it free. We have to move. We are getting late. It will be a very hot day,” he was almost folding his hands before the old serai-keeper.

The old man smiled. “You had tied him in the dark. Now you have to untie him in the light. Do you think pegs and ropes exist only in reality? They exist in minds as well. And the latter are even stronger,” the old man chuckled.

The caravan-head understood. Thanking the old man, he asked his men to playact the whole process of taking out the peg and untying the rope. They did it and the camel, taking it to be free to move, got up and joined the others waiting to march ahead.

Pegs and ropes exist in minds also. What else are our false assumptions, fears, anxieties and worries? They tame and condition the mind to a basic level, a very small level given the unlimited potential of the human brain. They literally make one human almost a carbon copy of others in settling for smallness, in being labelled like any other, like they do in factories, just labelling for small, convenient sameness.

It is very convenient for the religio-political ruling class to tame the minds with pegs and ropes of fear, ignorance, assumptions and apprehensions. Brahamanical Hinduism does the same. It is an elaborate system of putting the peg and tying the rope in the form of rituals, taboos, do’s and don’ts. The priestly class was ever apprehensive of the capacity of free minds.

A huge effort was put over the centuries to instil fear in minds, to cut them to smallness, to be less daring, more obedient, and less creative. It was a systematic effort to create meek followers and stifle any trait of confidence and leadership. The Brahamanical orthodoxy hammered down pegs and tied ropes around meekly accepting necks. 

Religiosity was kept limited to the skin of mankind. A check-dam created to tame the free flow of the rivers of human spirit. No inward looking and self-realisation to reach the light of an enlightened, aware soul. Elaborate system of pegs and ropes. So you just get conditioned to your inherited miseries, your caste status, your untouchability, your bad karma and the mirage of getting better luck in future births through meek following of the skin-deep religiosity. So that you just keep sitting, accepting your fate, like the camel with a false peg and rope. So that you don’t look deep within and beyond the narrow confines of your outer world. So that your spirit doesn’t roam free, breaking the barriers of false fears and exploiting rituals.

We had a chance of practicing mindfulness, of breaking the shackles, of melting the fears, of realising the potential, of being the leaders. It was Buddhism. Buddha taught nothing but mindfulness so that you become aware of your potential irrespective of your low caste. When you go beyond mere rituals and meditate, most of the false ropes and pegs burn away. You roam free as per the vast horizons of your free-roaming, liberated mind.           

Unfortunately, Buddhism was bundled out from the land of its origin. The shrewd Brahamanical connivance packed it off to faraway lands. It thrives in East Asian countries. You can very well compare the chained and liberated minds. Buddhism cuts the chains through training the mind. Brahamanical Hinduism chains the mind through fatal conditioning with the help of fear and meek acceptance.

Look at Japan. Such a small country. But look at their technological excellence. It is nothing but the fruits of centuries of setting the mind free through training the brain.

Meditation helps you reach the top of awareness, to know more, to dissipate ignorance, to be more of a human being, to become different and daring.

Blind rituals are just the first step leading to the endless flight of stairs to evolution and freedom. Unfortunately, Brahamanical Hinduism just kept the people grounded at the first level, to keep them the prisoners of their minds, their selves chained to false pegs and ropes of fears and taboos. 

Love More, Hate Less

 I come out of the tunnel and see the light. I smile, have a restful inhale of the fresh air, open my arms and embrace this world, my world. It welcomes me back with a brotherly bear hug. I smile again and close my eyes to look inward and take a sip of peace from the sea of tranquillity inside. Again I open my eyes. Miracle! The world has changed. It’s far better now. I have changed my eyes to look at it differently.

Earlier, it was dark and daunting. It was as much frightening and intimidating as it was painful. The tunnel was as much dug by the external circumstances as the negative tools of my own mind. I had entered a cave, a little recess in the mountainside of life, a routine trouble in the scheme of things. Then I became my own enemy and started digging earth in the direction I shouldn’t have.

I was digging a tunnel, an aimless futile struggle; my depressed, bruised mind digging earth faster and faster. It was taking me deeper into the womb of darkness. Directions became meaningless. No light, no sun, only dense layers of darkness, piled layers upon layers.

It was like digging my own grave. A bruised brain and injured mind are the potent tools of a self-gravedigger.

Sweating, soiled clothes, aching limbs, now I come to the other side of the mountain of life. Out of the self-dug cave that almost became a grave. Life has changed its meaning. The poles have reversed. I take credit for the small act of having kept on the digging job. It’s a new beginning. I know myself better. I even wonder did I even know myself earlier. I stand as a stranger to my old self.

It’s a new sun. The air is so fresh. The earlier life seems futile, all this self-gravedigging job.

However, as I close my eyes, a feeble smile on my lips, and inhale the essence of a new, redefined life, the journey seems worth it. As some wise man said, the moment you reach the treasure trove of your destiny, everything which happened in the past becomes relevant. Nothing goes waste. Even the garbage of the past has played a big part in the shiny present and still shinier prospects of the future.

Life is almost on a pause now; so slow in motion that I see the marvels of nature around. They are for me as much as they are for anybody around: the spring sun kissing the winter-beaten leaves; the songs of birds; gentle breeze ruffling bits of peace lying around; and the swirls of a footloose bird in the sea of cool air.

I inhale the fathomless fragrance of peace, harmony and integrity from the farthest part of the cosmos. Cosmic harmony. Endless orderliness in orbits. Ever-going periodicity. Supportive synchronisation. The fury of explosions and astronomical speeds tamed to harmless, slow acts of space-time continuum. Me and my environment feel like an iota of this cosmic concord.

I allow myself a gentle smile. Ripples of peace cascade through my soul. I close my eyes again and look inwards, deeper than the superficial world of my body and my worldly circumstances. I can travel far deeper than I ever thought. There are undisturbed paths leading to my true self. It’s a replica of the cosmic orderliness. I am on the path to meet my true self, the self that is destined to be happy and at peace with itself.

It awaits there, the self, with unlimited dose of happiness, comfort, compassion and peace. We only deny ourselves the dose of this cosmic healing pill by looking out onto this world, the superficial world of frustration, jealousy, hate, futile rat race, mundane cravings, illusions, assumptions, fears, apprehensions and cravings. It doesn’t allow us to smile, to close our eyes and start the journey inward. No wonder we have hardly travelled in the real sense even if we are lucky to spend hundred years of chronological age in a lifetime.

The journey to the real inner self, on the other hand, is not bound by the puny limits of time and funny horizons of space. It’s open and there are unlimited dimensions. In minutes, one covers cosmic distances. And when you smile and look at this world outside, you see a replica, a reflection of the inherent beauty. You are better now and happier. You look at this world with a healthier mind and sturdier brain. More importantly, you have a better heart. You are capable of loving more and hating less, the hallmark and definition of a human being.

Gone with Colours and a Smile

 On Holi the colours go riotous. It comes with spring, rejuvenation, resurrection and blossoming. The rigidities melt and stiffened souls flow to embrace a bit of fun, a bit of sunshine. Everybody takes a sip from the weather’s cool cocktail. And the effects go cutting across ages. Childhood dawns.

Colours fly, water is raining around, although there is no rain. Even mud finds a way, especially when playfulness mixes with the speedy horses of angry mischief. The drunkards dance as women beat them. The drinkers have a heyday. Bhang flows unchecked. There are cries: playful, challenging, querulous, sneering, sniping, chiding, mocking, and above all flirting. As the floodgates of festivity get opened, inhibitions and taboos take a backseat and people enter the zone of a rare freedom, a chance let-looseness: flirting, teasing bonhomie.

We celebrate the festivals for life, love, hope, light and keeping the dreams alive. And when there is a death in the near neighbourhood, within a fortnight or so of the festival of colours, the spirit gets damp. The colours get a black cast in the mould, some extra mixing, a discoloration.

The old lady was on her deathbed for the last three months. An averagely good woman, but more importantly very unfortunate, was the summary of her life when people discussed her plight and even prayed to God for a hasty, smooth and painless end. For that would be a relief to the good old lady, a painless death.

Such suffering puts up a speed-bump even on the life-road of those around. All of us fear the same fate; so like a horrible nightmare, wish a prompt end to the tale of agony that reminds us of the inevitable chapter in everyone’s life. But then Holi was approaching. If she had died within weeks before Holi, the colours would have been lost. But as it happens, such last sufferings get prolonged—extended to break the last sinews of attachment still clinging to the body, to free the soul. Surviving on water just by tea spoons, the old woman kept hanging there between life and death.

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She was deaf due to old age and missed most of the words shouted almost into her ears. But then sometimes unwanted comments and jibes sneaked into her ears like a distant golf-shot incidentally falling straight into the hole. And then it would create a ruckus. 

It was on Holi that her life went colourless. Not once but twice, one exceeding the other in the measurement of pain and loss. A few decades back, it appears like ages now, she then a young wife disposing household chorus like a nimble-footed sprinter, one-year-old boy suckling her full breasts, singing lullaby and mollycoddling, was preparing to participate in the festival of colours.

In the black and white of a tough peasant life, Holi stood out as a colourful intervention, when all their life’s rough and gruff melted in the coloured waters, gulaal, street mud, beatings, drunken sprees, and quarrels that arose like water bubbles and went down unnoticed.

Her husband was known among the rural hamlets as the master crafter of wheat-chaff domes. Massive, almost three storey high domes of wheat-chaff bore a testimony to his craft. These were storage structures, storing hundreds of quintals of the dry fodder meant for the off season usage. The circular base, made of the hard stalks of dried arhar, was dug into the ground. Over that bajra stalks and paddy hay was built into circular layers in conjunction with the wheat chaff filling inside inch by inch, hard pressed by stomping feet. The ropes made of reed and hemp took it upwards to end into a well proportioned and perfectly symmetrical dome, ready to save the storage mound against the worst of weathers. Of course it required special expertise, matching that of a weaverbird’s effort in notching out the marvel of a nest in terms of safety and symmetry.

Two days before the festival of colours, a rainstorm had lashed the farming hamlet. Lightning struck and blew away the crown of the chaff mound. If further rain fell, water would seep from the top to spoil the entire dry fodder. So on this day of Holi, before surrendering to the fun and funstery of it, her husband, after being repeatedly requested by the neighbour to repair the open-skied chaff store, got onto the top and started with his expert hands. It was a sight to watch him working so diligently almost three storey high in the sky. All was going well. But then accident takes the fraction of a second’s goof-up, just like normal routine needs miles of straight moments. He slipped, fell headlong , broke his neck and died.

The death and tragedy overwrote the festival with its swiping black colour. The festivity was gone. Colours were banished from her life and she got a permanent white as her identity. And life moved on.

In the black and whites of a widow’s life, she still had some colours hidden deep in her dreams for her son whom she brought up single-handedly, sweating out on the plot of arable land. Irrigated with the moisture of her sweat and blood, manured by the maternity of her motherly self, the flower blossomed. He turned out to be a handsome young man and was readily taken by the army.

Post training, his first posting was in Kashmir, the state that was on boil in 1989. Post a horrid winter, while the ice was thawing, and spring was beckoning all humans to calm down and listen to its open-armed charms, the turmoil touched a new peak as casualties touched a new high on both sides in the spring of 1990. There was another young soldier from the same village in the company.  Their patrol was ambushed by the militants. Amidst fierce gun battle, the widow’s son fell to bullets. It was found that he had died while attempting to save the life of his fellow villager.

Blood spread with a sprawling sanguineness on the melting snow. It was a Holi of agony and pain. Elsewhere in the plains, including their village, people were busy in obviating the miseries of a hard life in the coloured frenzy. Barely recognisable, panting with riotous play, surrendered to the spirit of the festival to deface their mundane existence, they stood stunned, as the news reached them in the evening. Again the black shades had been splashed suddenly by destiny.

This time Holi had robbed her of the colours of her dreams. Her plaintive wails killed the last trace of festivity hiding in some part of the village. Holi had restamped its authority to drive away all colours from her life.

There was another common thread which separated the tragedies by two decades. The soldier, whose life the widow’s son had saved, was the grandson of the chaff mound owner, repairing which the dead soldier’s father had fallen down. This fact rose over the merciless paradox of Holi repeatedly robbing someone’s colours, first from the real life and then from the dreams also.

She cursed Holi as much as she cursed the family which unfortunately, accidently, came to be linked to the tale of her irreparable loss. After that they couldn’t so much as raise their eyes if they happened to face her. It was a meek acceptance of their incidental link to the tragedies in her life. Not that the rest of her year was better, but come Holi and her soul would burn in the boiling cauldron of limitless agony.

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Since the last week before Holi, anybody could have said she may die any moment. However, the feeble flicker kept on burning, as if it didn’t want to become the reason for postponing the colourful fair by one year. And then there was the Holi dawn. She was taking last laboured breaths. The festival started with its customary worship at the shrine of the village God. Then gulal-smeared children ran amuck through the streets, men-folk got to drinking in order to benumb the senses against beatings, ladies prepared hunters of twisted cords of headgears, which otherwise keep them chained into docility and obedience in the patriarchal society. But today the roles were reversed. For 364 days of submissions and even thrashings, they donned the role of beaters on this special day.

It was then the same thing: children shouting and clapping, men mimicking bravery, while the women pounded then like they were letting out all the pent-up fury born of their subservient position in the male-dominated society.

The festivity was on its downslope—with ladies all drenched and smeared in every possibly way, and the men with dead tired bodies still holding ground to keep their sense of victory even today.

Around four in the afternoon the news spread. It might be the end. People gathered around her cot. She was dragging her breath with a guttural sound. Her mouth was open and dull grey eyes, sunk deep in her skull, had a look of overawe and fear like you are face-to-face with the fearsome unknown. She already looked like a corpse.

A little boy from that family, which destiny had put up as a sorrowful factor in her tragic life, all smeared in colours, was also standing near the cot. From nowhere her eyes rested on him. With one last effort in her life, she raised her hand in his direction. They pushed him forward. The scared little boy bent over her. God knows from where did she manage even that much of life. She moved her finger to take off a bit of gulal from his cheeks and put in on her forehead. Her eyes closed, as if she was wishing herself happy Holi, a smile surfaced on her shrunk lips. The smile remained, and the eyes closed forever.

She was gone with a bit of colour and a faint smile. She had crossed a milestone to start again. 

A night with a corpse is too long and unbearable in a Hindu house. Funeral was to be arranged before the sundown. If they missed the deadline then the ordeal of nightlong sitting around the dead body, placed on the ground, awaited them. Of course anybody alive, and wanting some rest after heavy drinking and Holi lynching, would prefer rest in bed instead of guarding a corpse.

With sobered senses, beaten bodies and unrecognisably smeared in colours, the erstwhile revellers, like sleepwalkers, got busy with the funeral procession, most of them drunk dead, trying their best to force sobriety and sense, to hold ground, to walk straight, and talk without a slip of tongue. The dead have their right to respect. They knew this. The setting sun seemed to make up for mourning through its pale rays. It was a queer funeral procession. Their glide down from the high plane of festivity had been suddenly checked, and the happening like a strict and unsparing teachress put them in a line to behave themselves.

In intoxication, a man isn’t completely in control of the reins over his emotions, so tears which would never have seen the tired sunrays flew freely in many eyes, the eyes that hardly had seen the old woman on the deathbed of late. Many were freely philosophical about the questions of life and death. The procession walked silently. The drunk mass minding its steps pretty well. The biggest onus was on those shouldering the arthi. They had to walk without the slightest falter in steps. It was such a task at hand. Some steps still staggered.

When the pyre burnt much to their collective relief, many a battered limb felt the soothing warmth. Their conscience then repulsed all such feelings of ease and comfort at the pyre-side.